Things

Have you ever been faced abruptly with your own prejudice?

Or priviledge

Or both?

It's such an odd place to be. Constantly second guessing your own motivation.

Is it prejudice. Is it priviledge. Is it frustration. Is it some nutty weird prorective instinct that rolls into a mothering style of behaviour which, in and of itself, feels very wrong.... because who wants to mother their own spouse?

Relationships can be confusing at the best of times but when your relationship is transitioning because your partner is transitioning things go from weird to bat shit crazy in a very short space of time.

Surely I'm capable of working my way through everything.

I may be over thinking my own motivation.

Argh

All i want is time
Time for my brain to function on a level other than high threat
Time for the luxury of creating
Time to do nothing.... but not sleep in it

Keep the masses quiet by keeping them busy, they said. Tie them down with mortgages and houses and loans and the weight of expectations adopted from others.

Time is a luxury only the rich can afford.

I'm not rich.

Things that Santa brings...

I got an early present.

Yay for hand dyed fluff!

Blah blah blah

Have you ever wished that you could Just. Stop. Crying?
This is me today... And yesterday... And the day before that.

Hate being on this down shit. Hate everyone asking me if I'm ok, because I don't Want to cry, so just leave me the fuck alone, ok?
Don't ask me what's wrong, if I knew I'd be doing something about it.
Don't say You're looking a bit down, what's the matter.... The matter is, I'm down. No ryhme or reason, no excuses, nothing to validate my expression.
No, nothing terribly shit has happened, no my last call at work was not particularly bad, no I'm not having trouble at home, no there is nothing wrong. I'm just down.

Fuck it all. I have a fucking migraine, if that makes you feel better. Its a lie, but at least you can all make you're silly sympathetic noises, ridiculous suggestions for remedies, and leave me alone.

Ok? Good.

Halloween

One in costume, at least...

What goes around comes around

So late late last night I was looking through my older posts, just out of curiosity. And I noticed a number of weird things.

Firstly - the next blog post I was about to write was all about plain clothes... again. Spent a number of nights looking at more options, went so far as to order a pattern from one of the uber religious US groups - and have been making myself aprons and long skirts in florals and other, not-normally-me things.

I realised that this time last year - I posted about plain clothes. And this time the year before.

I wonder what it is about October that makes me long for this simplicity. I wonder if (despite all the blogs advising that a 'calling' to plain clothing is really the xtian God tapping you on the shoulder) there's something around Beltane that is inspiring this longed-for change in my overall circumstances, and my brain has translated it into a longing for outward presentation.

I have no idea, but there it is. Be prepared for more long dresses from me in the future, summer's coming up after all.

The second weird thing was that 2 years ago I posted about the 'reality' that I will never acheive my dream of owning land/farm/animals etc. That I was stuck into this rut of saving for other things first (like the studio, which is now up and running but not exactly raking in the $$, and my oven, which I finally have and is probably increasing my electricity bill rather significantly!) and will never clear the mortgage and manage to get myself into a home that ticks all my childhood longed-for boxes.

Nothing has changed there at all. I'm still plodding along. I'm still sacrificing my dreams to the almighty dollar, working in a place I dislike to pay bills for a house that doesn't meet the dream and not exactly moving anywhere.

BUT. There is certainly a part of me that hasn't given up. I have not stopped dreaming the dream.

Apps

I wonder if I can get this blogger app to work if I get photos from flicker instead of skydrive ? Lets find out .
hmm it appears the answer is no

This is what I have last created. A very fast evening's work but none-the-less filled with personal satisfaction.

I like teapots, and I like tea cosies. So there.

Phones and phones and...

I'm playing with a new blogger app on my phone. With any luck it turns out to be something I can use lots, so I will actually blog more. Or, again. Who knows!

Sew jo mo jo

I think its come back. Not really sure how well tho. I made a dress last week that ended up more of a tunic. Luckily it was a practise run anyway. And this evening I finished another dress, but I can't decide if it makes me look like a granny or not. No photos until I have decided! I've bought fabric for a few other dresses but really don't know which style to sew them. Must think more.

Plain Dress part One

So I've been thinking lately. Yes, it's rare. Feel free to insert a laugh track here, it may even be appropriate.

I've been thinking about plain dress.  Not A plain dress, but Plain Dress. Kinda like what the Amish people get around in.

At the outset, I should point out that I am not in any way religious in a strict sense, and definitely not in any Christian, Judeo-christian, biblical sense at all.

But there is something in me that is drawn towards the simplicity and honesty of a plain, simple daily outfit, a long skirt, a basic shirt, and even the head covering.

I have been wearing large wide fabric headbands to work every day for a while. They serve a dual purpose - stops the headset I have to wear pulling at my hair and getting tangled, and keeps my hair out of my face.  But I feel naked now, if I go out of the house without one. This is a little weird.

I am not a fashionable dresser at all. And I have always loved long skirts, especially in summer. But this is different to that. It's a whole different yearning, almost.

I want to live a simple, uncluttered, old-fashioned life. Yet there are so many things preventing me from doing so. First and foremost, having to work in a complicated, structured, technologically advanced (or limited, depending on your viewpoint!) corporate consumerist business, to pay my mortgage, to feed my children. Having to drive there, having to don the 'corporate' gear, the 'business attire', the outlook to fit and be part of the 'team'.

I am studying in order to get out of that world. I will be demoted, when I leave. I will have a social standing reduction, so to speak. I am studying to learn the skills of a lower-paid, less-valued role. But it's a role where I can do good. (I may be deluding myself. There may be LOADS of red-tape bureaucratic shite that makes it just as bad as where I am now, but paid worse... I won't know until I get there). It's a role that will always be needed, and needed by INDIVIDUALS, actual people, not voices on phones, not companies. People.


When I get there, I will wear a uniform. It won't be a long skirt, but maybe the simplicity of a uniform at work will meet the need I am feeling now?

In the meantime, if you see a slightly crazy-looking hippy lady with a floral head covering and a long skirt walking around, say hi. It's probably me.

Wowsers, there's a surprise!

So I think I have commented before about how surprisingly different my two younger lads are. One is very much into solo imaginative indoor play, and reading quietly. The other plays better as a follower inside, and loves kicking around a ball and riding on anything with wheels. Hence you will understand my surprise when the ball-loving fellow advised me yesterday that he was glad his impending birthday is on a Thursday, because on Tuesdays and Thursdays he is allowed in the library at lunch time, where he likes to play chess or read with his friends. Chess set for birthday present, I'm thinking. Now I'm goiing to have to try and remember the rules myself!

And not blog here?

Well, it might have something to do with this seriously irritating blog app on my phone, that consistantly eats posts instead of posting them. Or it could be the lateness of the hour. It could be a combination. Anyway, I've been blogging elsewhere rather than here. Sorry all. Will try and update here more often.

Why I can guest blog elsewhere

Today's lesson

has pretty much revolved around the "don't count your chickens before they hatch" scenario.

I paid a bucket load of tax this year. Partly because I worked 3 part time jobs for most of the year. And my tax-free threshold was claimed on the middle-earning one, not the highest earning one.

What this means is, on my highest-earning wage, I paid just under one third of my total income from that employer in tax.

Now, I'm not completely stupid. I understand that these things usually all come out in the wash at the end of the year, it all balances up and you really only end up paying what you are supposed to.

But I was pretty sure that it would work out so I would get a reasonable tax refund.

The estimate I've determined from today, however, shows that there is nothing reasonable about it. Because I earned in total *just* over the amount required to have to pay back some of my higher education accrued debt, the expected refund has all but vanished.


I have a construction project that I'm in the middle of, that I'm sure you all remember. It's stalled because, quite frankly, I need to hire someone who actually knows what they are doing. And now, I can't afford to.

I have no clue what I'm going to do. Everything is crumbling down even further at this stage. I mean, really.

Never ask how much worse a situation can get. Just.... dont.

Have you ever wondered?

What would happen if you threw caution to the wind and just rolled with whatever life landed in your lap?
I wonder lately if I've become to obsessed with safety. Financial safety being a big thing. There's a bit in my head that used to not care so much, and was happier following my impulses. But these days I seem to have convinced myself without a doubt that I AM STUCK.
I can't change anything, because then I wouldn't have a safety net. I work in a role I dislike enormously, but it's SAFE - it's permanent, it's all but guaranteed. It's not budging, and it brings in a set income, and I can pay the mortgage and most of the bills with it.
I have been looking for new jobs all day. There is a potential job just down the road from me. I'm trying really hard to bite the bullet and actually apply for it.
But I'm scared. Because the income will be smaller and I don't know exactly what the flow on effects will be. And I'm scared.
I never really thought that applying for work would be a risky thing. It is when it means you have to leave what you know and do something else, and when that something else comes with a lesser implied $$value.

Ack, I think I just need to man up or something.

windoze take two

Well that was fun. There is an app now for my windows phone thät talks to blogger. So I'm posting from my phone. I don't think I can put pics in the post tho. That's a bit weird. But a simple text blog shouldn't be a problem. I'll have no excuse now for not having something to say. . .

Windoze

I read a sign today

It was one of those catchy little signs they stick up out the front of churches. Normally I ignore those because.. well, it's a church.

But the sign this time said.....

"A ship in harbour is safe - but that's not what ships are made for"

And I thought to myself, the rest of my drive home - how very true.

I don't know that it means I'm going to change right now from my 'safe' space, but I feel as though that particular saying will stick in the corner of my brain for quite some time.

Perhaps oneday it will sail.

wow, more than a month? Really?

Apparently so.

It's been more than a month since I last blogged. That's kinda typical given that I don't have a lot of time lately, and I can't find a decent blog app for my phone.
That really sounds wanky. But the truth is, I don't get a whole lot of pc time anymore. I'm not missing it that much either.
In fact, in just a few moments I'm turning this one off and going to spend some time with my hubby.

So the miniscule updates supplied via twitter and facebook have taken over from blogging - I can do those on the go and can pop in the tiny little bits of my life that keep my attention long enough to want to make them public.

A number of things have changed here lately. This week marks the beginning of me being home in the evenings again. I changed my work hours from evenings to days. This has had a number of positive outcomes already (even though it's only been three days!)

Firstly - I am home when my children come home from school. We have baked, I've done reading and homework and we've talked a lot.

Secondly - I get the work part of the day over and done with SUPER early, which means I don't spend all day dreading it.

Thirdly - other important things, like my kids parent teacher interviews, don't get missed any more.

and Fourthly - I feel like a parent again.

It's been an ENTIRE YEAR since I've been home for my kids in the afternoon. A whole YEAR. That's been - intensely difficult. It was necessary for the financial health of our family at the time, but if I could have it over again, I probably would. Oh well.

I'm here, I'm home at what feels like the right times again, and I'm very very ocassionally blogging.

Hell, I may even be able to preserve again at some point, given this new schedule of mine. Now THAT"S an exciting thought.

I'm knitting socks in between calls at work, and I bought a lovely fleece to spin.

That's me at the moment.