Thoughts on Religion

I am not religious.

I should point out at the outset of this post that I was raised Christian. I rebelled against Christian. For a long while I identified myself as pagan/wiccan. I havent' practised in a long time now.

I often feel a spiritual void in my life. Because there is that side of me that hasn't been addressed in all the hum-drum continual rushings to and fro of my everyday life.

This morning I have had an hour of contemplation and reading.

I should at this juncture put in place a different concept that I have been thinking about lately also - which is that of how I dress. From a purely practical perspective, I wear what I own in my cupboard. However, most of that is either not suitable for "office" work or not suitable for the stinking hot summers I can see heading my way and office work combined. So I have been contemplating what to do about that.
I will not wear stockings. No way no how. I loathe them, my skin loathes them, they are uncomfortable and plastic and horrid. I will not wear short skirts, and I LOATHE wearing pants in summer. Especially black pants in an un-airconditioned car for the hours-long drive in 38 degree heat that it will take me to get to work.
So I have been thinking about dresses and skirts. I usually stick to long, full, flowy hippy style skirts in summer with a t-shirt top on. But those skirts that I own are not suitable for office wear. So I've been thinking about dresses. And I pretty much can't stand most modern "maxi" dresses - they have too much shoulder and upper arm and boob sticking out.

I found a free pattern for a spiral skirt online the other day, and there was instructions in there for a top as well, to turn the skirt into a dress. It was what I consider to be a typical, american homesteading-style dress - slightly gathered sleeves just above the elbow, gathered (almost peasant style) neckline, lightly gathered high waist with the full flowing skirt under it. And I thought - yes. I can make that for work. I can make many for work. Not the height of current fashion - but then, why SHOULD I be the height of current fashion. I do not exist to impress others, I do not exist to be stared at, I am my own person. If I must fit the "neat and tidy" then that is what I shall do!


So , this led me naturally this morning to combining both a style of dress and a type of religious contemplation - and ended up with me on the website of the Adelaide Quakers.

The Society of Friends, they refer to themselves as. And although the US quaker sites are all pretty heavily religious from a strictly christian veiwpoint, the Adelaide site appears to be completely non-specific in it's theory.

One sits, in a room, with a group of other individuals, and one contemplates the divine. How one finds the divine may be spoken of, if one is led to speak. There would be, I do not doubt, heated intellectual conversation afterwards in regards to how everyone's experience of the divine differs.

But to all intents and purposes, the group appears to be joined by one main facet - the understanding that the divine is in everything, and approachable by everyone with no need for rules, requirements, labels, orthodoxy, noise, doctrine, texts, or speeches.

The divine is something one finds for oneself, in silence. One experiences for oneself, in whatever form happens to arrive. And one notices in everyday life, in those small silences, because it is simply there.

I like this. I like the concepts of this. I like to think that without the trappings of societal stress (clothing amongst quakers, btw is not set to anything at all - again, it's free for what one wishes to do. But I like the thought of having a simple style of clothing that I can wear that suits every occasion without me having to think about it. Kinda like the every-day jeans and a shirt that my husband wears. ) I too could find the divine in those occasional quiet moments, because I had opened myself up to the experience in an hour of contemplation during the week with like-minded individuals.

I wonder if I should find the time to go to a quaker meeting and contemplate.

Sadness and other stuff

So yesterday, my Aunt died.
I didn't know her all that well. But she was one of my mums very best friends. And her husband was Dad's best man at their wedding - 50 years ago. So they have known each other for a very long time, even though they live in a different state to us.

I have found, over the course of today, that my sadness seems to be not so much because she is dead, but because of the people who love her that are now greiving. I feel for my Mum and Dad, who have lost a life-long friend. And for my uncle, who has lost the love of his life. And my cousins, who have lost their rock.

I feel for them, and that makes me sad.

It makes me happy that she isn't around to keep living in the pain that she was suffering. I'm glad that she doesn't have to suffer with continued cancer treatments anymore. She would not have liked that.

I'm also happy that I didn't see her when she was sick. My last memories of her will be of a lovely, short little woman in full motorcycling leathers, hopping on the back of the big touring Honda that the two of them travelled around on. This is a good memory, and one I am glad I can hold on to.

Thoughts on Poverty

Sometimes I consider myself poor. We have a smaller income than the rest of my family. Much smaller.
We have a smaller income than the majority of our friends and acquaintances.

This doesn't make me feel like less of a person - I'm not one to judge others by the size of their wallet.

But over the years, I've held a mindset that says "If only we had more money........"

It's almost become an excuse for me not doing things around the house.

In all the changes that have happened here in the last 6 months, the "If only we had enough money to......." has changed itself around in my head. I can't work any more hours than I am working. I just physically can't do it. I'm driving 12 hours week to get to 45 hours a week of work. I have a day off with the family on Sundays (although I would do a market if there was one!) and I have a day when I got to spinning with my group (although I am kinda working then too because I always sell stock and take orders).

With these changes, the "If only we had enough money" has turned into "what can I do to GET more money". And the limiting factor of "nothing!" has made me feel inadequate again.


But there's more to it than that. Because my definition of 'poor' has changed. Instead of being "I wish we had enough money to" it's become "I wish we had the money so I didn't have to work so much"

Funny how the things I once thought we needed/wanted, have because superceded by the desire to just NOT WORK SO DAMN MUCH.

On a side note. My shed has had a deposit paid. The plan is to be submitted to council on Tuesday. Once it is here, then I might get a loungeroom back. That would be awesome.

I should add to the end of this post that I am more than well aware that the 'poor' that I'm talking about here is not, in the true scheme of the world, poor at all. That we have a house and cars and furniture, we have electricity and heat and clothing and food and we will never have to feel hunger or go without. That we are, in a more true sense of the word, rich beyond many people's imaginings. This post is coming from a place of white, australian priviledge. I can't apologise for that, because this is where I live.

If comparing my own circumstances to those around me who have more and labelling myself poor is offensive to those who have experienced true poverty, I do apologise. It is not my intention to cause offense.

Saturday off work

Today I have my first Saturday off work in 6 months.

I'd like to say it's because I'm planning a relaxing day at home and just decided i didn't need a day's worth of weekend loadings. The fact that I'm still in my pyjamas might add credence to that theory.

The truth is another matter.

I'm still in my pyjamas, because I got home at 2am this morning after sitting in hospital with my husband for a number of hours.

He went in yesterday afternoon after much insistance on my behalf, because he was suffering from intense pain, tingling and numbness in his left arm. It had been waking him up at night for the last week but yesterday morning it was coupled with some shoulder and chest pains and we were both becoming concerned about possible heart implications.

So he went to the local hospital and they did a chest xray and gave him some aspirin. then he waited for 4 hours to be taken in an ambulance to the larger hospital. They wouldn't let him drive himself down there.

I arrived at the big hospital about the same time he did and stayed there in Emergency while they hooked him up to a bunch of machines and took some blood for testing. It was a bit weird. He felt like he was taking up a bed for no reason but despite the stress I was very glad he was there! His cholesterol has been high lately and he's a type 1 diabetic so health issues can be complicated by that.

I did a little bit of knitting at his bedside (not much) and we chatted for ages. They finally told us they were admitting him to the Cardiac assessment unit. I followed them up to the ward and we got him settled in with a whole new bunch of monitors and whatnot.

I then went home - there was no room there for me to stay. Besides, I had left the kids asleep with Master 15 watching them so I really needed to be home for the wake up.


It appears at this stage that the rest of the tests they did overnight have come back ok. His arm still woke him up with lots of pain early this morning but it seems to be unrelated to his heart. They are going to put him o a treadmill soon and do a stress test just to be sure.

If it's not a heart thing, then they will release him sometime today. This will be good! On the other hand, it means we will have to get an appointment somewhere in order for them to find out exactly what the problem is, because he can't keep going with numb fingers and tingly bits and extreme pain in his arm! Especially as he is a leftie.


So I'm not having a relaxing day off. I'm recovering from the stress of yesterday. And I'm thanking every lucky star I have that it's NOT his heart at this point.

garden attempt number 60-gazillion

i go through phases with gardening. These phases revolve around things like - who is home that i can order around with a shovel, and how far do i have to carry the watering can before it all gets too hard.

They also revolve around things like the chickens eating them (potato patch 1, as an example), bugs and creepy things eating them (first grand tomato growing venture, with the horrid red mites and their even more horrid tomato viruses), and the sun generally cooking the daylights out of them.

Anyhow, i started another effort. I can't say today, because today was the planting and protecting from chickens part of the effort.

A few weeks ago the guinea pig hutch finally rotted into nothing. So they got a new house (smaller, metal and more portable!) and the old one was thrown away. Where the old one had been sitting was a pile of partially composted sawdust laced with guinea pig poo and straw. So I had handy shovel-bearing 15 yr old dug it through with some soil and water it, then mulch the spot with pea straw.

It rained a number of times after that. And I left it all there.

Today I weeded some grass out of it, happily planted out a bunch of vegie seedlings (all far too close together, but what the hell) and put a chook protector fence around it.

So although the million millipedes and earwigs and brown spiders that I disturbed today under that mulch might not be very happy, and might even wreak a terrible vengeance on me by eating my precious little plants, at least I tried.

I planted the things the kids asked for. So we have sugar snap peas, cherry tomatoes, multi-coloured capsicums, non-heading lettuces, lebanese cucumbers and strawberries. And for me - basil.

It's right near the water tank, so I might even remember to water it occasionally. It's near the back door, so that might help too. And the chook fence is actually the frame of a donated greenhouse - which makes for easy shading come stinking hot season.

I'll cross my fingers, and maybe we'll eat something out of the garden this year. Maybe!

Concepts of space and time

I did some maths earlier on in the week. According to my calculations, i spend approximately 20 hours a week - with my children.

For someone who started out her 'second family' firmly committed to making sure that her kids came first, that she would always be there and available for them whenever they needed her, I'm doing a pretty piss-poor job of it right now.

In the middle of doing all this calculating, it also occurred to me that I've been whining a hell of a lot. Something seems to have happened to the glass-half-full person that i used to be and I've turned into this narky, whining, complaining git who can't shut up about her problems.

So i've decided that I'm not going to blog a single thing unless the majority of my posts are positive. After all, they do say that your mind-set is what makes you who and what you are. So let's get on with the excellent, awesome stuff that does still happen in my life.

First - tomorrow is Adelaide Show Day. This is fantastic, because it means my kids have a day off school. And I get to spend the best part of that day with them! We are not going to the show, we are staying home in the morning, sleeping in, eating pancakes for breakfast and generally slothing around the place together. I think we will build some stuff with Lego.

In the afternoon we are heading just up the road to a friend's place for a little while. The kids will love having a play with other people's toys, and running around outside if it's not too wet. And i get to kick back, have a chai and catch up on some chats with a friend whom it feels like I haven't spoken to in a long time.

Then on Thursday, I start my new job. I'm really really excited about this one - I'll be working for my friend Jodie, cutting and shipping out orders and labelling and general sorting. It's a fabric business, so essentially I'll be in heaven *grin*. And Jodie is awesome so it'll be great to spend a bit of time with her!

So I have those two days, following today, when I went to spinning, sold a few bits and bobs and had a great time spinning up some luscious merino. I'm hoping to finish that merino tonight, and maybe even ply it - I shall have to take more photos for Ravelry (and maybe even here) because I've got a number of finished skeins now.

So yes, that is what is happening around here! Oh! And I finished the tax returns finally, so that's awesome too!

I want to start a new list

It's called - things I wish I had time for, but don't.

Alternatively, there's another list - things I want to be able to create for the business, but can't due to the above.

Or there's the - Things I wish I had the money to invest in my business but don't.


So.

Time list goes like this. (in no particular order)

1. Cut and sew up the projects bags that i've got the most AWESOME collection of prints for, and the best ever concept for, including locally-made handles in place.
2. Get the new loom made and cranking and make as many scarves as I can before scarf season is dead for this year - and even when it dies, keep going to reduce the stash and be super-prepared for next winter.
   
3. Weave up some BIG projects on the Knitter's Loom to have available for next winter too.
4. Dye some bamboo/tencel fibre and create some incredible blends to sell for summer spinning
5. Felt my wall hanging art. Hell, create then felt it. It's been a plan for a long time now...

1. Finish all those projects that other people are waiting for me to finish (I think this one should be number one but my brain isn't in order at the moment, so I have 2 number 1's. Sue me)
   

The money list goes like this.

1. Get studio built so all stock can be out of the house.
2. Get all those luscious yarns in that I really really want to sell.
3. Get the new wheels and looms in that I really really really want to sell.
4. Get some BIG collapsible posters printed for market stalls.

So. Um. Yeah.

I'd really like to do nothing but sit and spin and weave and CREATE all day. But that won't pay the bills, DH's job doesn't pay the bills, hence I work and even that doesn't pay the bills so I work two jobs which I HATE and they don't pay the bills so I take on a third job - and suddenly my entire life is just about working in jobs that I mostly can't stand to make money just to pay for the bare essentials of life that I sometimes wonder if we even need.

We don't live large. We don't go out, we don't have expensive cars, we don't have Foxtel or huge electricity bills or any personal loans or any credit card debt or ANYTHING like that.
We do have the internet, we have mobile phones. We have a smaller than average electricity bill, a smaller than average water bill, no gas bills, we conserve our firewood as much as we can in winter, we don't have air-conditioning in summer, we run our small car on gas so it's cheap. Our mortgage is pretty small compared to the national average - ok, maybe even tiny.

I look around me and I think - I'm not in a bad place. I don't have creditors knocking on my door. I don't have to panic every time the phone rings thinking someone is going to take something from me. We won't be repossessed or homeless.

Despite all this, I don't have a life that I can be proud of. I'm not enjoying my time on this planet. I'm hating the fact that I see my kids for approximately 20 hours out of the 168 that are available in every week. I'm hating the fact that every time I want to do something it gets interrupted by me having to go off to work.

Speaking of which - I have to go to work now. Blah