catch up time

I have had a few interesting experiences lately. It's been one of those things. Interesting times, the old Chinese proverb, all that.
Some of the "interesting" things have been just that. I saw a UFO the other day. A bona-fide, I have no clue what that unidentifiable flying object was type UFO. I was driving home from work, 9.30 pm, in the middle of a deserted dark country road, and a green cylindrical light lofted across the sky and down to the earth... somewhere. Very odd. No follow-up, no fireworks, nothing. Just that one single green tube of light, which then vanished.

Other interesting things have been more business related. I have been investigating new supplies so I can expand my range. It's not been going particularly well, as apparently, most companies in my industry prefer to deal with bricks n mortar stores, not online-only presences. So I've been struggling.

In the midst of all that is the sudden few vacancies of smaller store-front options in my town. Ive been doing maths and fiddling around with figures and attempting to decide what sort of leaps i could possibly make in order to have a storefront work without borrowing any money and without going under really quickly.

And i've been attempting to get myself set up with an EFTPOS machine (mobile GPRS) and looking into a regular market stall type option for increasing sales.

Throw in some knitting that I still haven't finished for a customer, and some spinning and weaving that I have barely started for another. The next nappy hunt which I'm now registered for and am suddenly realising I need to stock up for. The stall I have in 2 weeks which means I need labelling and stocktake done. The tax returns still not started. And the order that I went out on a limb for to get almost unknown stock in place and then have to quickly label and inventory as soon as it arrives - then photograph and list!

Told you times were interesting!

Apparently I am totally succeeding in my new job. I am not ENJOYING it, but I'm ticking all the relevant boxes in all the right places. And I'm getting told excellent things about my performance by the right people. I would like to feel good about this, would like to feel like my acheivements mean something, but because my heart is not in it I'm finding it a very hollow thing.

I have decided that until I can see a real option for the my own store, I'm going to stick it out despite the dislike. It gives me extra funds, now that DH is working, to spend stocking up the store. I have spent a bit so far. I'm very very tempted to spend a whole lot more over the next few weeks/months. Have to restrain myself and figure out where the best place to put the funds actually is.

The family needs two new cars, which is slightly annoying, but necessary. It's been a long time since we bought a decent car. We are the type of household who tends to repair and patch up the old cars we have rather than replace them, but all old cars get to a point where the patching is too expensive. So new car shopping is part of the future too. Oh, by new,I don't mean brand new! I just mean new to us.

SO yes, interesting times indeed.

School holidays

And so far, i've seen my dear kids only a couple of times.
It's been an interesting holiday break, to say the least. We've been trusting master 15 to look after the younger two, which is something I never honestly thought I would be comfortable with. But it seems to be working really well.
I miss my kids a lot at the moment. I'm just spending so much time either at work or travelling to and from work that it's taken over from any time I have with them. I'm finding it all a bit sad, but at the same time I'm on a rollercoaster that will eventually stop. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't HAVE to work as many hours as i'm doing right now. I know this. But at the moment, having the extra income is doing a lot for my peace of mind. I like the fact that i'm currently not struggling to pay bills, I'm ahead with my mortgage (albeit a tiny bit, but still!) and I've almost paid back the people whom I borrowed from earlier in the year when things went pear-shaped.

I'm also saving and investing in the business in a way that I wouldn't be able to do without this extra income. which is very exciting to me. I like that I can see positive things happening with the thing that i love - and beleive me, I can see it! time is the deciding factor now, not money. For the first time ever I can look at my business and say - YES! to a whole lot of new things that i've always wanted to do but never had the finances to cover.

So i'm giving myself a pretty strict time line at the moment. That is, by the end of this month I will have sorted ALL debts and bills. And by the end of the following month I will have arranged the new shed, saved a lot more money, and sorted out our disintegrating vehicle dramas.

By the end of the month after that, things will be looking much much brighter. And I may even be able to drop hours outside of the home and spend a lot more time doing business activities.

I can't wait for everything to eventuate! Well, i can - but you know what i mean. it's exciting!

Ali

It's finally happened!

I have a day off work. Tomorrow, I do not have to THINK about going to work AT ALL!!!

It feels like a miracle. It's been 30 whole days since this event has happened. No, not kidding. 30 days of going to work every single day.

So I was planning on having a heavy night on the booze with my husband, or at least having a few drinks, and then sleeping in tomorrow morning.

Of course, DH went to sleep. And I've been sitting here reading blogs and facebooking and reading online fiction and having a couple of ciders. And watching movies on the TV. So yeah.

I will sleep in tomorrow. If my children let me. And I might just fill up my day doing washing and catching up on household jobs. Or I might go out with them all. Who knows.

One thing I will most definetly NOT be doing - is going to work.

This is a good thing.

Motivations...

Have you ever considered what you motivation really is in life??

I have been wondering lately if my motivation for working all of these insane hours is really as transparent as I like to think it is.

You see, I've just signed up for even more hours at one job. Which means I'll be doing 45 hours a week across 2 jobs from the next fortnight until I go mad. It DOES mean I get to have Sundays off work for the first time in 2.5 years... but still. 45 hours?? Am I MAD??

I sit here and I justify it easily. It's easy for me to get the hours. I'm lucky that way. And as a family, we need money. We need to pay bills and mortgages. We need to eat. And I feel deep down that I want to be AHEAD, not just hanging on a week at a time.

But really. I have known exactly what I WANT to be doing in my life for a while now. And as time goes by, what I WANT to do becomes clearer and clearer to me. But for some reason, the decisions I'm making are taking me further and further AWAY from that dream instead of towards it.

I don't HAVE to do all these hours. If I dropped them back, the government with it's lovely assistance programs would make up enough of the difference that we could still pay our bills. I don't HAVE to be stressing myself out and exhausting myself.

I'm starting to think that part of the reason why I am is because I'm afraid. It's so much easier to immerse myself in working for "the man", making the dollars roll in in a way that I can not hold myself personally responsible for. I can't really FAIL at the jobs I have - I consider myself to be reasonably conscientious and I do what I'm told - so it's not my responsibility if the money stops coming, it's my employers.

However in my dream, I am my OWN employer. If the money doesn't come in - it's entirely MY fault. No matter how much I would LOVE to be living my dream, it will have pressures attached that mean I will have to make a certain level of income. The part of my dream that works right now is nowhere near close to making that level. So I'm afraid to throw in the towel on the things that ARE feeding us to take a huge risk on something that I love. In case I fail.

I do wonder if I'm cutting off my nose to spite my own face. Can I sucessfully keep up my current level of "the dream" activity whilst I'm doing 45 hour weeks out of the home? If I can't - then why am I doing that many hours?

Much to think about.

On the up

Just thought i'd pop in to say that things are looking much better all round. I am starting to enjoy the new job although we are still in the training phase so that could change! And DH has found another position too, which is even better really.

So i'm feeling positive. Which is nice, because it's been a shocking few weeks.

that's all I have to say, really!

New things to learn

So I went to Bendigo, and it wasn't all it was supposed to be.
I did learn a few great things about myself, and my dreams, which I must blog at some point.

I am here today just to remind people that I am still alive and still kicking, even though I'm pretty much vacant.

I started another job on Monday night and the learning curve is going to be ludicrously steep for the next four weeks. Throw the existing job on top of that, plus all the hours I am trying to get on top of that too, and you will begin to build up a picture in your minds of what is going on in mine.

I am not feeling brilliant about everything right now and every time someone says something at the new job about sadness or generosity or unhappiness or ... anything really.. I am finding myself fighting off tears.

I really do hope that's more about my current state of mind and lack of sleep than anything to do with the job itself, because I'm going to really struggle if it's the job. I NEED this job. I NEED to do well in it. Without it my family cannot afford to eat right now. So yeah. NO MORE CRYING OVER STUFF... Mmmmok???

What a week it's been

Interviews and applications for both of us, and so much work still left to do!
Had a second interview for a spot today, I'm feeling somewhat ambivalent about how I went for some reason. I wonder if it's because one of the interviewers was a man this time? I don't know. I react differently to men, so perhaps that was it.

All told it's been a ludicrously hectic few weeks. The worst, so to speak, is yet to come. I've got only two days now before I leave for Bendigo and although I am very excited, I'm also insanely nervous and mildy panicing about my abilities to get everything finished in time.

Thankfully i have managed to hook up the laser printer to the desktop so I can now print out my brochures. As long as the toner cartridges hold out, at least.

Speaking of which - I must go and do that right now.