blah blah blah blah

Once, a few weeks ago, I had this idea that I should start another blog. You know, to go along with the 3 I already have that I very rarely update.
Part of it was an urge to start writing fiction again. Just a chapter here and there that I could blog when the urge overtook me - that way I could use the phone, any handy computer, whatever.

Obviously that hasn't happened.

And as I sit here blogging at work I think to myself - do I really need another thing to feel responsible for? I don't think so.

Busy, that's what my life is. Busy. I want to create more, to put my stamp on more things in life, to be honestly able to say "I did that all by myself" only there isn't time. I currently have time to say "look, I worked innumerable hours this week" as if that's some kind of badge to wear. It's a shame that it doesn't feel like it. It feels, in fact, like I'm slaving away acheiving absolutely nothing except working towards a positive bank account.

That doesn't give me the feedback that I like. I like to SEE what I've achieved, there in front of me, a creation that is mine. My ideas, my skills, my senses all immersed in this thing that I alone have done.

Then I like to sell it LOL

I keep telling myself "one day" - one day the studio will be in place, one day the sales will pick up enough so that I can drop one of the mind-numbing things I do just for money and start doing things that I get true satisfaction from.
One day, doing those things will mean I finally meet my own standards - of living, of parenting, of eating and producing and preserving.

One day, I will feel as though my life has purpose beyond the bank balance.

One day I will feel complete as a person.

One day......