Things

Have you ever been faced abruptly with your own prejudice?

Or priviledge

Or both?

It's such an odd place to be. Constantly second guessing your own motivation.

Is it prejudice. Is it priviledge. Is it frustration. Is it some nutty weird prorective instinct that rolls into a mothering style of behaviour which, in and of itself, feels very wrong.... because who wants to mother their own spouse?

Relationships can be confusing at the best of times but when your relationship is transitioning because your partner is transitioning things go from weird to bat shit crazy in a very short space of time.

Surely I'm capable of working my way through everything.

I may be over thinking my own motivation.

Argh

All i want is time
Time for my brain to function on a level other than high threat
Time for the luxury of creating
Time to do nothing.... but not sleep in it

Keep the masses quiet by keeping them busy, they said. Tie them down with mortgages and houses and loans and the weight of expectations adopted from others.

Time is a luxury only the rich can afford.

I'm not rich.

Things that Santa brings...

I got an early present.

Yay for hand dyed fluff!

Blah blah blah

Have you ever wished that you could Just. Stop. Crying?
This is me today... And yesterday... And the day before that.

Hate being on this down shit. Hate everyone asking me if I'm ok, because I don't Want to cry, so just leave me the fuck alone, ok?
Don't ask me what's wrong, if I knew I'd be doing something about it.
Don't say You're looking a bit down, what's the matter.... The matter is, I'm down. No ryhme or reason, no excuses, nothing to validate my expression.
No, nothing terribly shit has happened, no my last call at work was not particularly bad, no I'm not having trouble at home, no there is nothing wrong. I'm just down.

Fuck it all. I have a fucking migraine, if that makes you feel better. Its a lie, but at least you can all make you're silly sympathetic noises, ridiculous suggestions for remedies, and leave me alone.

Ok? Good.

Halloween

One in costume, at least...

What goes around comes around

So late late last night I was looking through my older posts, just out of curiosity. And I noticed a number of weird things.

Firstly - the next blog post I was about to write was all about plain clothes... again. Spent a number of nights looking at more options, went so far as to order a pattern from one of the uber religious US groups - and have been making myself aprons and long skirts in florals and other, not-normally-me things.

I realised that this time last year - I posted about plain clothes. And this time the year before.

I wonder what it is about October that makes me long for this simplicity. I wonder if (despite all the blogs advising that a 'calling' to plain clothing is really the xtian God tapping you on the shoulder) there's something around Beltane that is inspiring this longed-for change in my overall circumstances, and my brain has translated it into a longing for outward presentation.

I have no idea, but there it is. Be prepared for more long dresses from me in the future, summer's coming up after all.

The second weird thing was that 2 years ago I posted about the 'reality' that I will never acheive my dream of owning land/farm/animals etc. That I was stuck into this rut of saving for other things first (like the studio, which is now up and running but not exactly raking in the $$, and my oven, which I finally have and is probably increasing my electricity bill rather significantly!) and will never clear the mortgage and manage to get myself into a home that ticks all my childhood longed-for boxes.

Nothing has changed there at all. I'm still plodding along. I'm still sacrificing my dreams to the almighty dollar, working in a place I dislike to pay bills for a house that doesn't meet the dream and not exactly moving anywhere.

BUT. There is certainly a part of me that hasn't given up. I have not stopped dreaming the dream.

Apps

I wonder if I can get this blogger app to work if I get photos from flicker instead of skydrive ? Lets find out .
hmm it appears the answer is no