Wowsers, there's a surprise!

So I think I have commented before about how surprisingly different my two younger lads are. One is very much into solo imaginative indoor play, and reading quietly. The other plays better as a follower inside, and loves kicking around a ball and riding on anything with wheels. Hence you will understand my surprise when the ball-loving fellow advised me yesterday that he was glad his impending birthday is on a Thursday, because on Tuesdays and Thursdays he is allowed in the library at lunch time, where he likes to play chess or read with his friends. Chess set for birthday present, I'm thinking. Now I'm goiing to have to try and remember the rules myself!

And not blog here?

Well, it might have something to do with this seriously irritating blog app on my phone, that consistantly eats posts instead of posting them. Or it could be the lateness of the hour. It could be a combination. Anyway, I've been blogging elsewhere rather than here. Sorry all. Will try and update here more often.

Why I can guest blog elsewhere

Today's lesson

has pretty much revolved around the "don't count your chickens before they hatch" scenario.

I paid a bucket load of tax this year. Partly because I worked 3 part time jobs for most of the year. And my tax-free threshold was claimed on the middle-earning one, not the highest earning one.

What this means is, on my highest-earning wage, I paid just under one third of my total income from that employer in tax.

Now, I'm not completely stupid. I understand that these things usually all come out in the wash at the end of the year, it all balances up and you really only end up paying what you are supposed to.

But I was pretty sure that it would work out so I would get a reasonable tax refund.

The estimate I've determined from today, however, shows that there is nothing reasonable about it. Because I earned in total *just* over the amount required to have to pay back some of my higher education accrued debt, the expected refund has all but vanished.


I have a construction project that I'm in the middle of, that I'm sure you all remember. It's stalled because, quite frankly, I need to hire someone who actually knows what they are doing. And now, I can't afford to.

I have no clue what I'm going to do. Everything is crumbling down even further at this stage. I mean, really.

Never ask how much worse a situation can get. Just.... dont.

Have you ever wondered?

What would happen if you threw caution to the wind and just rolled with whatever life landed in your lap?
I wonder lately if I've become to obsessed with safety. Financial safety being a big thing. There's a bit in my head that used to not care so much, and was happier following my impulses. But these days I seem to have convinced myself without a doubt that I AM STUCK.
I can't change anything, because then I wouldn't have a safety net. I work in a role I dislike enormously, but it's SAFE - it's permanent, it's all but guaranteed. It's not budging, and it brings in a set income, and I can pay the mortgage and most of the bills with it.
I have been looking for new jobs all day. There is a potential job just down the road from me. I'm trying really hard to bite the bullet and actually apply for it.
But I'm scared. Because the income will be smaller and I don't know exactly what the flow on effects will be. And I'm scared.
I never really thought that applying for work would be a risky thing. It is when it means you have to leave what you know and do something else, and when that something else comes with a lesser implied $$value.

Ack, I think I just need to man up or something.

windoze take two

Well that was fun. There is an app now for my windows phone thät talks to blogger. So I'm posting from my phone. I don't think I can put pics in the post tho. That's a bit weird. But a simple text blog shouldn't be a problem. I'll have no excuse now for not having something to say. . .

Windoze

I read a sign today

It was one of those catchy little signs they stick up out the front of churches. Normally I ignore those because.. well, it's a church.

But the sign this time said.....

"A ship in harbour is safe - but that's not what ships are made for"

And I thought to myself, the rest of my drive home - how very true.

I don't know that it means I'm going to change right now from my 'safe' space, but I feel as though that particular saying will stick in the corner of my brain for quite some time.

Perhaps oneday it will sail.

wow, more than a month? Really?

Apparently so.

It's been more than a month since I last blogged. That's kinda typical given that I don't have a lot of time lately, and I can't find a decent blog app for my phone.
That really sounds wanky. But the truth is, I don't get a whole lot of pc time anymore. I'm not missing it that much either.
In fact, in just a few moments I'm turning this one off and going to spend some time with my hubby.

So the miniscule updates supplied via twitter and facebook have taken over from blogging - I can do those on the go and can pop in the tiny little bits of my life that keep my attention long enough to want to make them public.

A number of things have changed here lately. This week marks the beginning of me being home in the evenings again. I changed my work hours from evenings to days. This has had a number of positive outcomes already (even though it's only been three days!)

Firstly - I am home when my children come home from school. We have baked, I've done reading and homework and we've talked a lot.

Secondly - I get the work part of the day over and done with SUPER early, which means I don't spend all day dreading it.

Thirdly - other important things, like my kids parent teacher interviews, don't get missed any more.

and Fourthly - I feel like a parent again.

It's been an ENTIRE YEAR since I've been home for my kids in the afternoon. A whole YEAR. That's been - intensely difficult. It was necessary for the financial health of our family at the time, but if I could have it over again, I probably would. Oh well.

I'm here, I'm home at what feels like the right times again, and I'm very very ocassionally blogging.

Hell, I may even be able to preserve again at some point, given this new schedule of mine. Now THAT"S an exciting thought.

I'm knitting socks in between calls at work, and I bought a lovely fleece to spin.

That's me at the moment.

Financial issues

Well, not issues.
For the last few months I've been blessed with the abillity to do overtime, at double time pay, for 5 hours a week. That has been a two-edged sword - I've not seen my children for a long time. But I've been able to absorb the hot water drama, pay some other unexpected bills and still keep our heads above water.
Knowing, as I did that the overtime was going to be coming to a halt shortly, I applied for a full time position, a step to the side of the role that i am in currently.

I didn't get it.

Next week, all overtime is stopped. I will be down 20 hours a fortnight in my pay. This is not a good thing.

Should I go and find another job? Is it time to move on from there altogether? Or should I change my hours around if it's at all possible?

I don't really know what to do. My studio is getting further and further away though.

this week...

I've been feeling very flat. Very - down, I suppose.

Things have changed at work in ways that are making me feel... I dunno, it's a little hard to explain.
Just feel like I'm not supposed to be the kind of person that the job is making me be.

In the same vein, or perhaps not, I cannot leave the workplace. I just can't. I spent an entire day searching the job applications to see if there was something different out there that was, well, different. But I didn't find it.

I'm also feeling somewhat unsupported by those around me in my attempt to discover what the best course of action for me to take is right now. That's probably not helping.

Perhaps that's not true - not so much unsupported, but there's an element of unreality in the support I'm getting.

I can't make the same wage as I'm currently earning by going to work as a casual dishwasher.

Our household cannot survive on less than I'm currently earning.

The other earning member here cannot go and earn more to make up the difference.

Those are the facts.

Apparently the facts are destined to continually get in the way of what I wish I could do - which is just knit, right now.

I just want to sit and quietly knit. Maybe spin a bit. Then knit some more. Card up some lovely art batts, dye up some amazing fibres, and knit a bit more.

Maybe I just need a holiday.

The truth about craft

Craft is awesome. It's relaxing, encouraging, inspiring, and it's one of the few things you can do in your spare time that result in a concrete reward - I MADE THIS.

There's an issue in that previous sentence. It's where I've said....

SPARE TIME

I seem to have less and less and less of that lying around in which to do anything.

For example. Today is Sunday. It is the one day of the week where I am not required to go to work outside the home. One would think that perhaps that might mean I have some spare time.

The truth of the matter is that I not only have my entire day already mapped out for me, not a single part of that day, except perhaps for after dark tonight once the kids are in bed, involves craft.

Most of it involves cleaning. I hate cleaning.

Ah well. I suppose there's really nothing for it but to finish this blog (which, by the way, isn't taking up any supposed spare time but is borrowing some of my morning coffee time instead) and get on with it.

End result of today is that the 'lounge room' is actually going to have lounge space available again. And I will no longer be in any danger of having lego-shaped tread imprints in the bottom of my feet whenever I walk in the room. That's the theory.

If I'm lucky, it might even last until this time next week.

The joys of realisation

For a long while now, i've been working my backside off because I want something that needs funding. Generally speaking, that's the way people do things - they see a goal that they want, they figure out how to get it, and they work to make it happen.

This is all good and it makes perfect sense to me.

However - like many people, I have many goals. And many dreams.

It occurred to me whilst driving home from work the other night that a number of my dreams and once-upon-a-time goals are now completely out of my reach forever.

This is not a pleasant realisation. But I think it may have been a cleansing one.

See, I've been working hard for a shop/studio so that I can expand the market of my business, because I love what I do and I want the opportunity to do more of it.

But in the back of my mind I have always always ALWAYS wanted to live on a property, have acreage, have a small farm with a horse or two and some sheep and goats and the whole works.

Now I'm 35, My husband is 37, and neither of us is working in a stupidly high paid profession. We have a small mortgage in a semi-rural small township that's rapidly developing into a suburb. But we do not, and will not in the foreseeable future, have the financial ability to purchase the dream property. And I suddenly realised that we never will.

I will never be able to walk out my back door and see acres of hills and bushland that belong to me, I will never get up in the morning on a weekend and ride my horse, I will never take my kids out into the paddock in the morning to hand-feed the sheep.

I will never have my big farmhouse with it's country kitchen. I will never have my entrance-hall filled with muddy gumboots. I will never live in a house where the nearest neighbour is 5 minutes down the road and WAAAAYYY out of sight.

These are things that I have dreamt of and wanted for a VERY long time.

I have, however, never WORKED towards them with the intensity of "have to" that I have been working towards my little business dream.


I'm not really sure why that is. Perhaps it was always supposed to be nothing BUT a dream?

Anyway, along with the pure and simple realisation that it will never happen, has come a change in attitude. You see, the house I live in now, and the community I interact with here - they are fantastic things. There is opportunity for a myriad of small improvements that will make our lives more pleasant, and those dreams WILL be achievable here.

My husband right now, in his lower-paying, less hours per week job, is quite possibly the happiest I have EVER seen him. It is incredible to watch him at everyday tasks now - he is so relaxed and he is a joy to spend time with.

Me? I'm over half-way to my shop goal, and it's getting more exciting every day. I'm still working a lot, but it's all good. I have removed one of the jobs from my life - so in a few weeks I'll only have 2!! - but I've picked up some extra hours elsewhere, so it's evening out.

Things are moving along. And I think it's time to lay that other dream to rest now and just go with the good things we've already got.

blah blah blah blah

Once, a few weeks ago, I had this idea that I should start another blog. You know, to go along with the 3 I already have that I very rarely update.
Part of it was an urge to start writing fiction again. Just a chapter here and there that I could blog when the urge overtook me - that way I could use the phone, any handy computer, whatever.

Obviously that hasn't happened.

And as I sit here blogging at work I think to myself - do I really need another thing to feel responsible for? I don't think so.

Busy, that's what my life is. Busy. I want to create more, to put my stamp on more things in life, to be honestly able to say "I did that all by myself" only there isn't time. I currently have time to say "look, I worked innumerable hours this week" as if that's some kind of badge to wear. It's a shame that it doesn't feel like it. It feels, in fact, like I'm slaving away acheiving absolutely nothing except working towards a positive bank account.

That doesn't give me the feedback that I like. I like to SEE what I've achieved, there in front of me, a creation that is mine. My ideas, my skills, my senses all immersed in this thing that I alone have done.

Then I like to sell it LOL

I keep telling myself "one day" - one day the studio will be in place, one day the sales will pick up enough so that I can drop one of the mind-numbing things I do just for money and start doing things that I get true satisfaction from.
One day, doing those things will mean I finally meet my own standards - of living, of parenting, of eating and producing and preserving.

One day, I will feel as though my life has purpose beyond the bank balance.

One day I will feel complete as a person.

One day......