Concepts of space and time

I did some maths earlier on in the week. According to my calculations, i spend approximately 20 hours a week - with my children.

For someone who started out her 'second family' firmly committed to making sure that her kids came first, that she would always be there and available for them whenever they needed her, I'm doing a pretty piss-poor job of it right now.

In the middle of doing all this calculating, it also occurred to me that I've been whining a hell of a lot. Something seems to have happened to the glass-half-full person that i used to be and I've turned into this narky, whining, complaining git who can't shut up about her problems.

So i've decided that I'm not going to blog a single thing unless the majority of my posts are positive. After all, they do say that your mind-set is what makes you who and what you are. So let's get on with the excellent, awesome stuff that does still happen in my life.

First - tomorrow is Adelaide Show Day. This is fantastic, because it means my kids have a day off school. And I get to spend the best part of that day with them! We are not going to the show, we are staying home in the morning, sleeping in, eating pancakes for breakfast and generally slothing around the place together. I think we will build some stuff with Lego.

In the afternoon we are heading just up the road to a friend's place for a little while. The kids will love having a play with other people's toys, and running around outside if it's not too wet. And i get to kick back, have a chai and catch up on some chats with a friend whom it feels like I haven't spoken to in a long time.

Then on Thursday, I start my new job. I'm really really excited about this one - I'll be working for my friend Jodie, cutting and shipping out orders and labelling and general sorting. It's a fabric business, so essentially I'll be in heaven *grin*. And Jodie is awesome so it'll be great to spend a bit of time with her!

So I have those two days, following today, when I went to spinning, sold a few bits and bobs and had a great time spinning up some luscious merino. I'm hoping to finish that merino tonight, and maybe even ply it - I shall have to take more photos for Ravelry (and maybe even here) because I've got a number of finished skeins now.

So yes, that is what is happening around here! Oh! And I finished the tax returns finally, so that's awesome too!

I want to start a new list

It's called - things I wish I had time for, but don't.

Alternatively, there's another list - things I want to be able to create for the business, but can't due to the above.

Or there's the - Things I wish I had the money to invest in my business but don't.


So.

Time list goes like this. (in no particular order)

1. Cut and sew up the projects bags that i've got the most AWESOME collection of prints for, and the best ever concept for, including locally-made handles in place.
2. Get the new loom made and cranking and make as many scarves as I can before scarf season is dead for this year - and even when it dies, keep going to reduce the stash and be super-prepared for next winter.
   
3. Weave up some BIG projects on the Knitter's Loom to have available for next winter too.
4. Dye some bamboo/tencel fibre and create some incredible blends to sell for summer spinning
5. Felt my wall hanging art. Hell, create then felt it. It's been a plan for a long time now...

1. Finish all those projects that other people are waiting for me to finish (I think this one should be number one but my brain isn't in order at the moment, so I have 2 number 1's. Sue me)
   

The money list goes like this.

1. Get studio built so all stock can be out of the house.
2. Get all those luscious yarns in that I really really want to sell.
3. Get the new wheels and looms in that I really really really want to sell.
4. Get some BIG collapsible posters printed for market stalls.

So. Um. Yeah.

I'd really like to do nothing but sit and spin and weave and CREATE all day. But that won't pay the bills, DH's job doesn't pay the bills, hence I work and even that doesn't pay the bills so I work two jobs which I HATE and they don't pay the bills so I take on a third job - and suddenly my entire life is just about working in jobs that I mostly can't stand to make money just to pay for the bare essentials of life that I sometimes wonder if we even need.

We don't live large. We don't go out, we don't have expensive cars, we don't have Foxtel or huge electricity bills or any personal loans or any credit card debt or ANYTHING like that.
We do have the internet, we have mobile phones. We have a smaller than average electricity bill, a smaller than average water bill, no gas bills, we conserve our firewood as much as we can in winter, we don't have air-conditioning in summer, we run our small car on gas so it's cheap. Our mortgage is pretty small compared to the national average - ok, maybe even tiny.

I look around me and I think - I'm not in a bad place. I don't have creditors knocking on my door. I don't have to panic every time the phone rings thinking someone is going to take something from me. We won't be repossessed or homeless.

Despite all this, I don't have a life that I can be proud of. I'm not enjoying my time on this planet. I'm hating the fact that I see my kids for approximately 20 hours out of the 168 that are available in every week. I'm hating the fact that every time I want to do something it gets interrupted by me having to go off to work.

Speaking of which - I have to go to work now. Blah

yet again, one finds oneself...

too busy to think. well, too busy to blog, anyway. I'm here in the 5 minutes I have remaining before I need to be elsewhere. Does that make any sense to anyone???

I'm off to spinning shortly. But first, a summation of the last few weeks. They have gone something like this - work, home, work, sleep, work, next work, sleep, work, work, sleep.

Get the picture???

I have done a bit of market research - as in, I've gone to check out a few Sunday markets to see if my things will fit in there. Sunday markets are fabulous. I want to do a few of the ones I have seen so far.

Also - I now have an EFTpos machine for the business. THis is good. But I will endeavour to do a proper business blog about that in the next few days. It opens up some possibilities that weren't - well, weren't possible!!! - previously.

I did a stall at the Adelaide Hills spinners and weavers camp last week - but that's another blog entry for the business really.

On a personal level - I've almost finished spinning all my hand-dyed sea-green, and will be plying that soon, possibly today. It's for my friend Karen's throw rug she commissioned ages ago. That's all I've been spinning for lately because I really want to get most of the spinning done before the weather turns hot and horrible. I can weave in summer, but spinning is really a winter sport.

I find myself feeling the urge to create things more and more lately - probably because I'm suffering from less and less time to do it in. I take some sort of project with me wherever I go, but the liklihood that I actually pick it up is getting slimmer and slimmer. If only I could knit whilst driving - I'm spending about 12 hours in the car every week getting to and from work!
But I think that could be an accident in the making.

I've looked at it from every angle - if I leave a bit earlier i can sit in the carpark and knit for 10 minutes - but that's 10 minutes of time I won't get to chat to my kids about school in the 1/2 hour a day I currently see them for. So I won't do that.

It will all come out in the wash, or something. It will even itself out, yeah? Good.

catch up time

I have had a few interesting experiences lately. It's been one of those things. Interesting times, the old Chinese proverb, all that.
Some of the "interesting" things have been just that. I saw a UFO the other day. A bona-fide, I have no clue what that unidentifiable flying object was type UFO. I was driving home from work, 9.30 pm, in the middle of a deserted dark country road, and a green cylindrical light lofted across the sky and down to the earth... somewhere. Very odd. No follow-up, no fireworks, nothing. Just that one single green tube of light, which then vanished.

Other interesting things have been more business related. I have been investigating new supplies so I can expand my range. It's not been going particularly well, as apparently, most companies in my industry prefer to deal with bricks n mortar stores, not online-only presences. So I've been struggling.

In the midst of all that is the sudden few vacancies of smaller store-front options in my town. Ive been doing maths and fiddling around with figures and attempting to decide what sort of leaps i could possibly make in order to have a storefront work without borrowing any money and without going under really quickly.

And i've been attempting to get myself set up with an EFTPOS machine (mobile GPRS) and looking into a regular market stall type option for increasing sales.

Throw in some knitting that I still haven't finished for a customer, and some spinning and weaving that I have barely started for another. The next nappy hunt which I'm now registered for and am suddenly realising I need to stock up for. The stall I have in 2 weeks which means I need labelling and stocktake done. The tax returns still not started. And the order that I went out on a limb for to get almost unknown stock in place and then have to quickly label and inventory as soon as it arrives - then photograph and list!

Told you times were interesting!

Apparently I am totally succeeding in my new job. I am not ENJOYING it, but I'm ticking all the relevant boxes in all the right places. And I'm getting told excellent things about my performance by the right people. I would like to feel good about this, would like to feel like my acheivements mean something, but because my heart is not in it I'm finding it a very hollow thing.

I have decided that until I can see a real option for the my own store, I'm going to stick it out despite the dislike. It gives me extra funds, now that DH is working, to spend stocking up the store. I have spent a bit so far. I'm very very tempted to spend a whole lot more over the next few weeks/months. Have to restrain myself and figure out where the best place to put the funds actually is.

The family needs two new cars, which is slightly annoying, but necessary. It's been a long time since we bought a decent car. We are the type of household who tends to repair and patch up the old cars we have rather than replace them, but all old cars get to a point where the patching is too expensive. So new car shopping is part of the future too. Oh, by new,I don't mean brand new! I just mean new to us.

SO yes, interesting times indeed.

School holidays

And so far, i've seen my dear kids only a couple of times.
It's been an interesting holiday break, to say the least. We've been trusting master 15 to look after the younger two, which is something I never honestly thought I would be comfortable with. But it seems to be working really well.
I miss my kids a lot at the moment. I'm just spending so much time either at work or travelling to and from work that it's taken over from any time I have with them. I'm finding it all a bit sad, but at the same time I'm on a rollercoaster that will eventually stop. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't HAVE to work as many hours as i'm doing right now. I know this. But at the moment, having the extra income is doing a lot for my peace of mind. I like the fact that i'm currently not struggling to pay bills, I'm ahead with my mortgage (albeit a tiny bit, but still!) and I've almost paid back the people whom I borrowed from earlier in the year when things went pear-shaped.

I'm also saving and investing in the business in a way that I wouldn't be able to do without this extra income. which is very exciting to me. I like that I can see positive things happening with the thing that i love - and beleive me, I can see it! time is the deciding factor now, not money. For the first time ever I can look at my business and say - YES! to a whole lot of new things that i've always wanted to do but never had the finances to cover.

So i'm giving myself a pretty strict time line at the moment. That is, by the end of this month I will have sorted ALL debts and bills. And by the end of the following month I will have arranged the new shed, saved a lot more money, and sorted out our disintegrating vehicle dramas.

By the end of the month after that, things will be looking much much brighter. And I may even be able to drop hours outside of the home and spend a lot more time doing business activities.

I can't wait for everything to eventuate! Well, i can - but you know what i mean. it's exciting!

Ali

It's finally happened!

I have a day off work. Tomorrow, I do not have to THINK about going to work AT ALL!!!

It feels like a miracle. It's been 30 whole days since this event has happened. No, not kidding. 30 days of going to work every single day.

So I was planning on having a heavy night on the booze with my husband, or at least having a few drinks, and then sleeping in tomorrow morning.

Of course, DH went to sleep. And I've been sitting here reading blogs and facebooking and reading online fiction and having a couple of ciders. And watching movies on the TV. So yeah.

I will sleep in tomorrow. If my children let me. And I might just fill up my day doing washing and catching up on household jobs. Or I might go out with them all. Who knows.

One thing I will most definetly NOT be doing - is going to work.

This is a good thing.

Motivations...

Have you ever considered what you motivation really is in life??

I have been wondering lately if my motivation for working all of these insane hours is really as transparent as I like to think it is.

You see, I've just signed up for even more hours at one job. Which means I'll be doing 45 hours a week across 2 jobs from the next fortnight until I go mad. It DOES mean I get to have Sundays off work for the first time in 2.5 years... but still. 45 hours?? Am I MAD??

I sit here and I justify it easily. It's easy for me to get the hours. I'm lucky that way. And as a family, we need money. We need to pay bills and mortgages. We need to eat. And I feel deep down that I want to be AHEAD, not just hanging on a week at a time.

But really. I have known exactly what I WANT to be doing in my life for a while now. And as time goes by, what I WANT to do becomes clearer and clearer to me. But for some reason, the decisions I'm making are taking me further and further AWAY from that dream instead of towards it.

I don't HAVE to do all these hours. If I dropped them back, the government with it's lovely assistance programs would make up enough of the difference that we could still pay our bills. I don't HAVE to be stressing myself out and exhausting myself.

I'm starting to think that part of the reason why I am is because I'm afraid. It's so much easier to immerse myself in working for "the man", making the dollars roll in in a way that I can not hold myself personally responsible for. I can't really FAIL at the jobs I have - I consider myself to be reasonably conscientious and I do what I'm told - so it's not my responsibility if the money stops coming, it's my employers.

However in my dream, I am my OWN employer. If the money doesn't come in - it's entirely MY fault. No matter how much I would LOVE to be living my dream, it will have pressures attached that mean I will have to make a certain level of income. The part of my dream that works right now is nowhere near close to making that level. So I'm afraid to throw in the towel on the things that ARE feeding us to take a huge risk on something that I love. In case I fail.

I do wonder if I'm cutting off my nose to spite my own face. Can I sucessfully keep up my current level of "the dream" activity whilst I'm doing 45 hour weeks out of the home? If I can't - then why am I doing that many hours?

Much to think about.